Thoughts and Practices for Grief, from a Coach

And the re-emergence of this blog.

A quick caveat: I am not a therapist or a grief coach. This post is not medical advice or a substitute for therapy. Please, if you would benefit from speaking with someone, do so. You are worth it. There is a list of resources at the bottom of this post.

You may have noticed that this blog has been dormant for a bit. It wasn’t my intention, but something came up.

And I have been grieving.

I won’t get into the details here; however, I may write more about this on my personal blog, where I occasionally explore grief and impermanence.

Here, I’ll keep it deliberately broad. That’s because I don’t want this list to be pegged as “only for certain situations,” and I don’t want to convey that only certain situations warrant the attention and care grief requires.

Because the truth of the matter is, we grieve all kinds of things beyond the deaths of those close to us: loss of friendships or jobs, missed opportunities, places, memories, pets, situations. We even grieve “what might have been,” in terms of work or career goals, relationships, or any number of things. We grieve lost or unmet expectations. We might experience “anticipatory grief,” where we find ourselves grieving something that hasn’t happened yet. And sometimes, even when change is overwhelmingly positive, we may still grieve what we lost or chose to let go of to step into something new.

All these different forms and experiences of grief are valid, and all deserve care and compassion.

On my current grief journey, I have found myself seeking out resources on how to honor my recent loss. I’ve thought about what it means to create a practice of making space for myself, my feelings, and the opportunity to heal. That practice doesn’t mean doing the same thing every day. The practice is to come back to myself, to see what I need, and to see what attention my grief is asking for. That’s a practice of honoring my feelings and myself holistically. I’ve been trying to create a container big enough for all the “feels,” while also connecting to things that can help me manage the day-to-day, which, as we all know, doesn’t go away or go dormant when we grieve. In a sense, this post is about how I found ways to navigate, grieve, and make meaning, in the hopes it can help others.

A Necessary Caveat

This blog is about coaching, so I’m going to share a few preliminary thoughts about grief through the lens of what we do here, which is holistic life coaching.

A coach is not a therapist. That’s important.

But because grief isn’t a one-and-done thing, it doesn’t fit neatly into one compartment of your life.

Grief is more like liquid. It gets into all the cracks; it takes the shape of its container. That means it can impact a lot of different facets of your life. And that means it creeps into the coaching scope.

I hesitated a lot about publishing this. I asked my coach several times if I should step into this space, if I should write and publish a blog on grieving. I’m not a therapist, I said. I feel like I have something to say, but is it my place to say it?

She had some interesting thoughts on that, namely that there are so many people grieving so many things so much of the time, and everyone needs and deserves access to resources. Some folks are at the tail end of acute grief and looking for a way to reconnect with themselves and others. Other folks are in therapy, doing deep work but don’t have time in those sessions to talk about the more tangible facets of grief and how to get back “on track,” even just for a moment, in their daily lives. Others just don’t know where to begin. Some of us don’t have the resources or the time to find a therapist or a coach, and/or don’t have the bandwidth to wade through a whole book on grieving.

And with so much grief, so many different kinds of grief in such a challenging world, surely there is space for one more resource.

That said, if you are feeling long-term and sustained deep grief, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist, a support group, or your doctor. Your experience and feelings are valid, and you deserve support to help you navigate a path that honors your journey.

And that doesn’t mean you can’t still find value or uses for the list below, but it might make sense for you to move forward with additional support from a therapist, bereavement group, or other sources.

Since this caveat is so important, I’ll repeat it here: this is not a substitute for therapy, or mental health counseling, a doctor, prescribed medication, a bereavement group or community, or other resources, all of which can provide the support beyond that of the coaching space and this blog post.

This is one coaching blog post about some of the things I’m doing to help me find my way through the liminal space that is grief.

Introduction to the List

Here, I offer concrete, adaptable, implementable examples of how I am personally navigating grief. It resembles a self-coaching guide, but I mean it more as a buffet of sorts.

In other words, here are some things that are working for me, helping me stay afloat, make meaning from my experience, come back to myself and the present moment, and give myself and others grace.

Not everything will be right for every person or for any particular moment on a grief journey. That’s ok. This isn’t an exhaustive list; it’s offered as a starting point. You can adapt anything here for your own purposes. I can’t say that enough: adapt as needed. You know yourself and your journey.

That’s why I called this post a “buffet.” It’s made up of things you can explore or adapt as you go. Try things out, take what works, leave the rest. The list is meant to function in addition to seeking additional resources or support as you need or want to. It is ok to want support. It is ok to acknowledge that you need support. You are worth it. You don’t need a huge loss or a dramatic life event to justify trying something here or reaching out to someone.

Even if you’re not currently grieving, you might still find something here that helps you hit reset. And if “grieving” doesn’t seem the right word, but something keeps popping up, that’s valid too. Grief doesn’t have a schedule. Anniversaries of losses can bring up feelings. Even minor, side comments made in work meetings or at family dinners can trigger difficult memories. Suddenly, there’s that grief again.

Before we dive in, please remember to honor yourself when you are grieving or working with grief. Connect to your friends/family or use the resources listed below this post to seek out community with others. Make sure you are attending to your physical needs, especially hydration, nutrition, and rest. If you can, try to get some gentle movement every day. Go outside if you can or do some gentle stretching. Many of the practices below connect with these baseline care concepts, but as they are so important for supporting overall well-being, they need noting right from the start.

Finally, don’t discount doing small things for yourself. One of the hurdles that keeps us from moving forward is feeling like we don’t “have time” for a Big Thing. It doesn’t need to be big. Sometimes small, sustainable practices over time help us rebuild a baseline practice of care for ourselves. That baseline practice is something we can carry over into our daily lives in the long term.

These are listed in no particular order. Feel free to adapt any of these to better suit your needs or use them as a jumping-off point for developing your own practices and strategies. With all that said:

The Grief Practice “Buffet” from Aligned Insights Coaching

• Give yourself space. Wherever you can create space in your life, do so. If your situation doesn’t allow for that, look for ways to create spaciousness around your responsibilities. What doesn’t need your best effort? What can be postponed or delegated? Who or what are the resources you can call in to help take things off your plate or help you? Where can you give yourself time or choose things that help you feel comfortable or cared for? What can you do to shine more light on healing, resting, or leaning into community? Resist the messaging that says you have to “be ok” immediately and accept that grieving is a process that needs space.

• Release expectation. Let go of expectations on what your grief journey is “supposed” to look like. There will be days when you feel fine and there will be days that feel overwhelming. All of that is normal. Other people may have ideas of how you “should” feel or what you “should” do. Connect with your inner compass or a trusted friend or family member and remember, how you feel is valid. The “stages of grief” were never meant to be chronological; they might come together in their own ways. For example, you might feel sad and angry at the same time. You might feel fine for a week and then feel sad again, unexpectedly, at the grocery store. Grief has its own schedule and timeline, and part of the journey is accepting this as we go.

• Attend to physical needs. As much as you can, remember to care for your physical body and your baseline needs: rest, hydration, nutrition, and movement. Everything feels worse when we haven’t had a drink of water, a meal, or decent sleep. If there was ever a time to show up for yourself with a favorite meal or snack, make time for a nap, take a walk around the block, drink an extra glass of water, this is that time. Showing up for our physical bodies is how we remind ourselves that we are worthy of care and comfort. If you’ve had a stretch of days with no appetite, no water, no desire for these things, and you don’t see a way out or through, this is a sign to seek out some additional resources or support.

• Do nothing – in moderation. It is ok to do nothing, as long as you have a bit of clarity on what that means. The intention here is around making space and releasing expectation, not escapism/suppressing feelings or neglecting your baseline needs. It is ok to stare out the window, go back to bed when you need to, sit in contemplation or just in silence, feel like you can’t concentrate, ask for help, or even ask someone just to sit with you quietly. Cry, cuddle a pet, study the art on your kitchen wall, turn the pages of a book mindlessly. Photography books can be great for this. If you feel completely disconnected and unable to support yourself or others in your care, especially for longer than feels safe or appropriate, that’s the time to seek additional support. If you no longer feel you can discern when it’s time to talk to someone, err on the side of “now is the time” and make the call. There is a list of resources at the bottom of this post.

• Try mini “joy boosts.” Think about what will bring you a little “joy boost” on a regular cadence. For me, I dyed the ends of my hair pink. Why? This was how my hair was for my wedding and it brought me a tremendous amount of joy. I wanted something that would make me smile regularly and now I smile every time I catch a glimpse of my hair in the mirror. It was a quick, easy way to bring a bit of light into my life. And getting a bunch of compliments on my hair also doesn’t hurt! It’s a really small thing, it’s goofy, and to a point, meaningless, but it makes me smile and helps me come home to myself. Even more fun, a family member is also dying their hair pink. So we send each other pictures and it always shines a bit of light for me.

• Try a change of scenery. Visit an art museum, a park, go for a walk, reconnect with a friend or family out of town, visit a different cafe, or check out your local library. It doesn’t need to be a big adventure or an expensive, perfectly planned vacation. Ultimately, what you are looking for is a new perspective, to see yourself in a different place, engaging with something that is a bit outside your “norm.” You can do this in your own home by putting on music and playing with the lighting scheme or switching out the art on your walls. You can invite someone to come along for a chance to share experiences and see a bit from their perspective, too.

• Engage in an act of making: write, create, cook, or do some kind of craft. You can use this to directly funnel your feelings, put them into words, or make a photo collage, for example, or you can do something with your hands, like play an instrument, crochet, or make a meal. This is about reaffirming that you are a generative being and that you can do something just for the fun of it. It doesn’t need to “be productive.” There will be days when you’ll want to use this to help specifically with your grief. There will be other days when you’ll want to reconnect with your own creative and generative processes. This could have been two bullet points, but the umbrella is the act of making/creating.

• Feel, don’t suppress. It’s ok to feel feelings. Sometimes when the different feelings of grief come up, like anger, sadness, and confusion, we immediately want to suppress them. We push them aside, thinking we “shouldn’t feel angry” or “don’t have time to feel sad.” The average life span of an emotion, when we allow it to pass through us without clinging, is relatively short. If we practice remembering that we aren’t our emotions, over time, it becomes safer to let them pass through us. If feelings become overwhelming, that’s a good time to seek out support and/or engage in something else listed here. And we might have good feelings, too, that feel “wrong” if we are navigating deep grief. Remember, it’s important to allow ourselves to enjoy good memories, good company, and lighter moments if and when we have them. It’s all part of honoring ourselves and our experience.

• Go outside. This seems too simple to be effective, but there is a lot of research that shows just how beneficial it is to simply go outside. You don’t have to plan a big camping trip or venture into the wilderness; simply sitting in a park or taking a short walk can do wonders for the nervous system. If you’re not sure how to start, simply start small. Schedule “outside snacks” for a few minutes at a time to get away from screens and look at the sky to hit a brief reset. Try to be present even in brief outside moments, perhaps noting what you are looking at or naming other sensory experiences, for example, what you can hear or smell as you interact with the environment.

• Move your body. Movement, even a short walk or some gentle stretching, gets you back into your body and can help free your mind. If you exercise regularly, remember you can always adjust your routine to treat yourself more tenderly on days when you feel more sensitive. If you aren’t a regular mover, you can also schedule in brief “movement moments” where you walk around the block, stand up and stretch for a few minutes, or even put on some music and dance. Easy functional movement or practices like chair yoga count, too. Another benefit of movement is that it can help you sleep, and getting enough rest is crucial for supporting your grieving process. Again, it can be simple and still be effective.

• Get involved – in a way that feels good for you. Engage in community, either in-person or online. Join a group, take a class, volunteer, meet up with friends, whatever feels right for you to connect with other people. No matter how small a part you feel able to play, there is space for you. If you don’t feel up to volunteering, visit an online grief or bereavement group (see links below) or look for webinars, low-cost classes, or groups that align with your interests. There are loads of online craft and writing groups, and your local library most likely also has resources. What to avoid is replacing grieving with “doing all the things,” so go slowly so you can discern what level of involvement is right for you.

• Seek expansion. Connect to whatever feels right for you when it comes to spirituality, religion, or transcendence. If that’s prayer or a church group, tap in. If it’s a personal spiritual practice, like using tarot, reflective or automatic writing, Reiki, meditation, or anything that helps you feel energetically clearer, supported, and/or connected, go for it. If you don’t consider yourself religious or spiritual, that’s ok, too. You could do a small, secular ritual around grief, for example, lighting a candle and taking some time to honor your feelings while you watch the flame. Again, it doesn’t need to be a “big thing” to bring you back to yourself. If you’re not sure where to start with this, remember that it’s ok to hold it loosely and go into something new with curiosity and a sense of exploration.

• Say no. Sometimes when we are grieving, opportunities come in that seem very black and white, yes or no. These can be tempting because they offer an easy way out of the liminal space of grief. Give yourself space for wise discernment around the best use of your energy. You may want to keep doors open as long as possible (a practice that allows us to take the time for wise decision-making), so when an opportunity comes up, give yourself permission to ask about the timeline. You can use that information to determine your next steps. Don’t be afraid to ask for another perspective or connect to your own inner wisdom and gut instincts to get insight into what saying “yes” right now feels like in your body before you commit.

The Bigger Picture

What all these bullet points have in common is that they are all about developing a practice of showing up for yourself, playing with perspective, and coming back to what grounds you and honors your experience during grief.

The more we practice showing up, discerning what we need and how to attend to it, and sharing in community, the more we have an opportunity to honor ourselves, our feelings, and our losses. Along the way, we might also realize we are moving the baseline of our own care, discovering valuable community connections, and maybe even exploring some new hobbies, healthy habits, or engaging experiences.

That’s a byproduct of the kind of witnessing we can offer ourselves – and others – when we navigate a grief journey.

The most important thing is to offer yourself space, to attend to your physical needs, to honor your experience, and to remember that your grief has its own schedule.

And it’s ok if you’re reading this and you’re thinking, “whatever, grief sucks.” Because in so many ways, it does. It is hard. Really, really hard. And it’s unpredictable. Even if it comes from deep and abiding love, we shouldn’t lie about how heavy, dark, and challenging this road can be. Regardless of the roots or circumstances of our grief, it can still feel and be consuming.

Finally, you are not alone.

There are so many of us out here grieving a whole bunch of things. Your grief may not look like someone else’s and that’s ok. We don’t always understand the how or why behind someone else’s feelings of loss, or our own, but that doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t real and don’t need care. You may find that extending care for someone else is just the thing that helps you find your way. You may find that allowing yourself to receive care is a new experience. Ultimately, showing up for ourselves helps us show up for our families, our friends, and our communities. Grieving and sorrow can be contagious – and healing can be, too.

And along the way, there are outposts of light, community, care, and connection. Sometimes, the most important thing is doing just enough so that you can be available for those moments of light when they show up.

I am wishing you comfort, healing, peace, and moments of light, community, and connection. May you be well. May you find a bit of softness in the most unexpected places.

Please note, utilize, and share the list of resources below as needed.

I’m thinking of you. I am here. I care about you. We are all in this together.

Resources for Navigating Grief

The Center for Grief Recovery and Therapeutic Services offers a comprehensive list of resources here.

There is a list of online and in-person support groups listed here at GriefShare.org.

The Dougy Center offers a wide variety of age-specific resources for grieving here.

What’s Your Grief offers community, resources, and support for those grieving, those supporting folks who are grieving, and professionals working in the grief space.

The International Association for Suicide Prevention website includes resources and hotline information. Please utilize and share this resource as needed.

The Trevor Project offers resources for the LGBTQIA+ Community, including a hotline with trained counselors available via phone, chat, or text.